Wow, it’s been a while since my last comic hasn’t it? This is just a
simple one while I get back into the swing of things, and a Jenny comic
to boot. What’s old is new again!
The character of The Shifter is available for use by anyone, with only
one condition. This paragraph must be included in any publication
involving The Shifter, in order that others may use this property as
they wish. All rights reversed.
Saturday, 9 January 2016
Thursday, 10 December 2015
Lisa Cummings and The Five Minute Murder
The Lisa Cummings stories are a short series of comedic mysteries. The first of which was The Case of the Exploding Meat (Part One, Part Two). I'm currently working on a full legnth Cummings novel. In the mean time, here's another short.
“I'm serious,” said Lisa, twirling the straw in her drink. “Boba Fett is the worst character in Star Wars.”
Andy nearly spat out his pint. “Fuck off,” he shot.
“No, consider, what does he actually do in the films? Gets hired by Vader, follows Han, and when he catches them in Cloud City he lets the Stormtroopers do the rest. Given that, and his frankly embarrassing death...”
Andy held out a hand. “I've got to stop you there. The expanded universe clearly showed that he escaped the Sarlacc pit.”
Lisa shook her head with a smile. “I said, 'In the Movies' Andy. Judging by his appearance on screen alone, no comics, games or books, he doesn't deserve anywhere near the reputation he has, and I'm not even factoring in Attack of the Clones.”
Andy took another gulp of beer and folded his arms. “Worse than Greedo?”
“Heck, at least Greedo died staring down the barrel of a gun. Fett didn't even get that. I always liked Lobot”
Andy pulled a face trying to figure a counter argument, but the damage was done. Lisa put the straw to her mouth and began to finish the rum and lemonade. “Your round,” she said, putting the empty glass in front of him.
Andy reached for his wallet. “Suddenly I'm starting to regret using this as an excuse to skip out on Officer Kent's birthday bash.”
“Kent the cunt?” Lisa said, laughing. “No you aren't. I don't understand why we couldn't have gone to the The Purple Nighthawk.”
Andy stood. “I'm going to have to be in dire straits before I let you drag me into a gay bar Cummings.”
“C'mon, it's the modern age. Nobody cares about the heteros anymore,” she joked. “It would be better than this place.”
“What's wrong with The Crown?” Andy said, looking offended.
Lisa shrugged. “Nothing, if you're like... fifty eight. We're not going to score much pussy here are we?”
Andy shook his head and made for the bar.
It was a week-night, which wasn't a problem for Lisa, who worked her own hours, but most of her other friends had work in the morning. She had owed Inspector Andy Browning a favour and when he needed an excuse to duck out of a colleague's party she had agreed to join him for a couple of drinks.
Unfortunately there wasn't much going on at The Crown.
Lisa glanced over at Andy fumbling with his change at the bar, a loyalty card in his hand. He was probably hoping to get that tenth free pint they owe him.
Lisa's phone vibrated, and she checked her recent messages. A bunch from her gaming group, The Bitch Brigade.
Ur all going down this weekend suckas. Eat my entire ass. She messaged.
A man in a green mac jacket pushed past Andy as he returned with the next round of drinks. A pepperoni and a packet of scampi fries were in his hands.
“Where's the cheesy moments?” Lisa asked, disappointed.
“They've ran out,” Andy replied.
“The fuckers!” she said.
Lisa began to suck her drink out of a fresh straw, looking bored.
“You sure you don't want to hit the jukebox?” Andy said, trying to console her.
“Last time I did that I got side-eyed when Two Become One, came on.”
“Hey if you've put the money in nobody's got the right to complain about your shit taste in music.”
“Fuck off Andy, I remember your face when that guy put the complete Garth Brooks on during the quiz last month.”
Andy threw his hands either side. “You've got a fucking answer for everything don't you?”
Lisa shrugged. “I'm a private eye Andy.”
“You're a pint sized private eye,” Andy said vindictively. “Besides, you're out of practice.”
“Fuck you Rene Mathis I'm at the top of my game. If there was a murder right here, right now, I bet you I'd be able to solve it in like... five minutes.”
“Oh you'd bet would you?” Andy said laughing.
Suddenly, the man in the green mac had returned from the toilets and made a startled noise at the bar. “What 'appened to me pint?” the man said.
“What's up Tony?” asked the tired looking Beryl at the bar.
“The head's all gone,” the man called Tony said. “Me pint's dead.”
Andy turned and looked at Lisa, mania in his eyes.
“I think someone's took a sip out if it!” Tony said.
Andy suddenly pointed at Lisa's face. “I bet you a twenty you can't solve this mystery in five minutes!”
Lisa frowned, then grinned. “Oh it's on motherfucker. It's on.”
Lisa paced the floor surrounding the bar, rubbing her chin. The locals studied her curiously.
“Alright,” she said, finally. “Hands up, who's eaten either a pickled egg or pickled onion tonight?”
Three hands went up tentatively.
Lisa glanced over to Beryl at the bar, her tired eyes betrayed a reluctance to play along.
“Well?” Lisa asked.
“Well what?” said Beryl sheepishly, rubbing her shoulder with tobacco stained hands.
“Is that right? Only these three have been served picked delicacies?”
“Oh, yeah, that's right.” Beryl replied.
“Okay,” nodded Lisa. “That narrows things down. The only way Tony's beer could have been killed that fast was by the touch of vinegar. Our culprit must have eaten a pickled something before taking a cheeky swig of the beer. Therefore, only one of these three could have been the culprit.”
First of the three suspects was Barry, a regular for years who could be a little clingy and irritating after too many pints. Next, there was Joshua, a young friend of Beryl's son who was home from working on the rigs. Finally, there was Linda, the local quiz team leader who had a bit of an abrasive personality at times.
“Well it weren’t me becus'...” Barry started.
“Not yet.” Lisa held out a hand.
Barry stopped.
Andy folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. He had a grin on his face as he watched with some amusement.
“Okay,” Lisa carried on. “We also know that nobody tried to conceal the fact that they had eaten a pickled delicacy, which suggests that our culprit is confident enough that we won't discover their little altercation. That suggests a careful hand.”
“At taking a swig of someone’s pint?” scoffed Linda.
“That's precisely the attitude they're hoping we'll take,” Lisa said, walking over to Linda and leaning over by her table. “Precisely the attitude they'd like to foster. Care to confess anything to us Linda? We know how you have a taste for beer, with your Ale Society membership or whatever it is.”
“Don't be absurd,” Linda spat.
“We'll see,” Lisa said, backing away. “We'll see.”
Andy shoved a few scampi fries in his mouth.
“Tony,” Lisa said, walking over to the bar. “Is there any one of these three whom you feel may hold a certain disdain for you these days? Anyone that might want to wage a silent protest?”
Tony pulled a face. “Well, I wouldn't put it past Barry playing silly beggars.”
“Ayy, that's not fair, I wouldn’t...” Barry objected.
“Not. Yet!” Lisa commanded. She turned back to Tony. “Carry on.”
“Well it's just that Linda has too much self respect to do something like that, and I can't see young lad doing it, he's got plenty of money in his line of work.” Tony shrugged.
“Oh indeed,” Lisa walked over, eye-balling Joshua. “No reason you'd take a swig at all. Right J?”
“No,” Joshua said pleasantly. “It wasn't me.”
Lisa quickly turned to Beryl. “Beryl! Is it true or not that both your son and our friend here got in trouble five years ago for swiping peoples drinks?”
Beryl looked shocked. “How did you know?”
“You come across a lot of interesting stuff in my line of work,” Lisa said, grinning. “You started off fishing for unfinished pints, isn't that right Joshua? Until you started looking for more excitement?”
Joshua suddenly looked worried. “Yeah but that was a long time ago. I was at uni, I was short on cash. I can pay for my own drinks now.”
“Yes you can,” Lisa nodded. “But maybe from time to time you miss the old excitement? Maybe you wanted one final score?”
Barry stood up. “Aye, I can understand that, back when...”
“Not yet Barry!” Lisa shot. “We'll be getting to you in a moment.”
Barry sat down, deflated.
Linda piped up again. “Hang on a moment. Tony's always going for his tea at the chippy across the road. How do we know it wasn't the vinegar from that that killed his pint?”
Lisa held up her hand, index finger extended. “A valid question. It is however impossible. Listen.”
Everyone around the bar went silent. They were unsure what they were supposed to be listening to. The only sound was the music on the jukebox.
“That's Purple Rain by Price,” said Lisa. “Tony always puts three songs on the jukebox, and Purple Rain is always last. If we factor in that he went to the jukebox before ordering his drink and going to the toilet afterwards then the window between Born to Run and Lawyers, Guns and Money is too small for him to take a sip from the pint.”
The group nodded, impressed.
“Also, I went to the toilet while Beryl was pulling me the pint,” Tony added.
“That too,” Lisa noted.
Andy took a few big gulps out of his pint to cool his mouth after the first few bites of the pepperoni.
His eyes were still fixed on Lisa.
“Well personally I don't think we'll ever solve this mystery,” said Joshua nervously.
“On the contrary,” Lisa barked. “I think I'm starting to see things come together now.”
Lisa walked over to Linda, a cocky grin on her face. “I think we can count out Linda as a suspect. If she wanted to do something to piss Tony off she wouldn't do it in secret. She'd either say it to his face or bitch about him on the forums.”
Linda folded her arms. “How very dare you,” she said, not showing the slightest bit of relief about being exonerated.
Lisa walked over to Joshua, putting her hands around his shoulders condescendingly. “Likewise, I wouldn't put it past young J here, but he's not nearly had enough to drink to get him to start that kind of carry on.”
“Young?” he said, insulted. “You were only a few years above me in school.”
Lisa walked over to the far side of the bar. “That leaves only one possible culprit.”
Barry stood, sweating. “Now that's not fair, I haven't even had a chance to...”
But before Barry could continue Lisa began talking over him. “Isn't that right, Beryl?”
Suddenly everyone looked to the bar. Beryl stood there, looking surprised. “Me?”
Lisa marched over to her. “It's no secret that you've been sick of Tony for a long time, complaining about him having the same conversation every night and never changing up the music on the jukebox.”
Andy raised his eyebrows.
Beryl stood there blushing.
Lisa continued. “Who else would have been able to take a sip of that beer without anyone noticing? It was your own little silent protest. If it wasn't for your taste in pickled eggs, the head would have still been there and Tony probably wouldn't even have noticed.”
“What's wrong with my taste in music?” said Tony, dejected.
“Okay, fine, I'll pull you a new one,” Beryl said to him, reaching over for a new glass.
Lisa pumped her fist. “Haha, Yes!” She strutted over to Andy with a shit-eating grin.
Andy shook his head.
“Come on, pay up sucker.” she said, holding out her hand.
Suddenly Barry sat back down. “But I never got to do my bit!”
“Shut the fuck up Barry,” said Beryl in frustration.
Andy opened his wallet and handed over a twenty pound note. “There's just one thing I don't understand?”
“Yeah?”
“If I'm Rene Mathis, is that supposed to make you James Bond?”
Lisa shrugged. “Clearly Andy.”
He got to his feet. “You have such a high opinion of yourself, you know that?”
“Hey you know what they say, fake it till you make it.”
Andy shook his head one more time. “It's your round then, I suppose, I'm going for a piss.”
“Sure thing,” Lisa said strutting over to the bar. Quickly, she turned to Beryl and lowered her voice. “Thanks for that Beryl.”
Beryl shrugged. “Your advice got my daughter a reduced sentence, It's the least I could do.”
“Well I'm as sucker for a pretty face,” Lisa said, smiling. “No pun intended.”
Beryl raised an eyebrow. “I'm going to forget you just said that. What can I get you?”
“Uh, A rum and lemonade and a pint for us. Three more pints for J, Tony and Linda. A babysham and whiskey for Barry.”
“I'll have to be quick before Felix Leiter gets back.” Beryl said.
Lisa looked confused.
“Sorry I thought you were both doing the nickname thing.” Beryl answered.
“Yeah but Felix Leiter was white.” Barry said.
“Shut the fuck up Barry,” Lisa and Beryl said in unison.
Tony started sniggering.
“Besides,” said Lisa, “Andy clearly looks more like Anthony Mackie.”
“Who's that?” asked Beryl.
“He's the guy that played Falcon in the new Avengers films,” said Andy suddenly from behind Lisa.
“But I always remember him from We Are Marshall.”
“Jesus,” Lisa said, startled. “Don't sneak up on me like that you fuck.”
Andy started laughing. “Who are all these drinks for?”
“Nobody,” she said dismissively. “Look, here's yours. Let's go sit back down.”
Andy nodded, shaking off his suspicions. The two of them clinked glasses. “Cheers I suppose. At least that was more interesting than doing fifteen Jaeger bombs with Kent and the lads.”
The two of them sat back down at their table. “I aim to please,” Lisa said, smiling.
Andy couldn't help smiling too. “Okay, so where were we?”
Lisa took a sip through her straw. “I was about to say how Jar Jar was a Sith lord all along.”
“Okay, now you really can fuck off,” Andy said, spitting out his pint again. “And you can give me that fucking twenty back an' all.”
Jack Harvey 2015
Lisa Cummings and the Five Minute Murder
By Jack Harvey
“I'm serious,” said Lisa, twirling the straw in her drink. “Boba Fett is the worst character in Star Wars.”
Andy nearly spat out his pint. “Fuck off,” he shot.
“No, consider, what does he actually do in the films? Gets hired by Vader, follows Han, and when he catches them in Cloud City he lets the Stormtroopers do the rest. Given that, and his frankly embarrassing death...”
Andy held out a hand. “I've got to stop you there. The expanded universe clearly showed that he escaped the Sarlacc pit.”
Lisa shook her head with a smile. “I said, 'In the Movies' Andy. Judging by his appearance on screen alone, no comics, games or books, he doesn't deserve anywhere near the reputation he has, and I'm not even factoring in Attack of the Clones.”
Andy took another gulp of beer and folded his arms. “Worse than Greedo?”
“Heck, at least Greedo died staring down the barrel of a gun. Fett didn't even get that. I always liked Lobot”
Andy pulled a face trying to figure a counter argument, but the damage was done. Lisa put the straw to her mouth and began to finish the rum and lemonade. “Your round,” she said, putting the empty glass in front of him.
Andy reached for his wallet. “Suddenly I'm starting to regret using this as an excuse to skip out on Officer Kent's birthday bash.”
“Kent the cunt?” Lisa said, laughing. “No you aren't. I don't understand why we couldn't have gone to the The Purple Nighthawk.”
Andy stood. “I'm going to have to be in dire straits before I let you drag me into a gay bar Cummings.”
“C'mon, it's the modern age. Nobody cares about the heteros anymore,” she joked. “It would be better than this place.”
“What's wrong with The Crown?” Andy said, looking offended.
Lisa shrugged. “Nothing, if you're like... fifty eight. We're not going to score much pussy here are we?”
Andy shook his head and made for the bar.
It was a week-night, which wasn't a problem for Lisa, who worked her own hours, but most of her other friends had work in the morning. She had owed Inspector Andy Browning a favour and when he needed an excuse to duck out of a colleague's party she had agreed to join him for a couple of drinks.
Unfortunately there wasn't much going on at The Crown.
Lisa glanced over at Andy fumbling with his change at the bar, a loyalty card in his hand. He was probably hoping to get that tenth free pint they owe him.
Lisa's phone vibrated, and she checked her recent messages. A bunch from her gaming group, The Bitch Brigade.
Ur all going down this weekend suckas. Eat my entire ass. She messaged.
A man in a green mac jacket pushed past Andy as he returned with the next round of drinks. A pepperoni and a packet of scampi fries were in his hands.
“Where's the cheesy moments?” Lisa asked, disappointed.
“They've ran out,” Andy replied.
“The fuckers!” she said.
Lisa began to suck her drink out of a fresh straw, looking bored.
“You sure you don't want to hit the jukebox?” Andy said, trying to console her.
“Last time I did that I got side-eyed when Two Become One, came on.”
“Hey if you've put the money in nobody's got the right to complain about your shit taste in music.”
“Fuck off Andy, I remember your face when that guy put the complete Garth Brooks on during the quiz last month.”
Andy threw his hands either side. “You've got a fucking answer for everything don't you?”
Lisa shrugged. “I'm a private eye Andy.”
“You're a pint sized private eye,” Andy said vindictively. “Besides, you're out of practice.”
“Fuck you Rene Mathis I'm at the top of my game. If there was a murder right here, right now, I bet you I'd be able to solve it in like... five minutes.”
“Oh you'd bet would you?” Andy said laughing.
Suddenly, the man in the green mac had returned from the toilets and made a startled noise at the bar. “What 'appened to me pint?” the man said.
“What's up Tony?” asked the tired looking Beryl at the bar.
“The head's all gone,” the man called Tony said. “Me pint's dead.”
Andy turned and looked at Lisa, mania in his eyes.
“I think someone's took a sip out if it!” Tony said.
Andy suddenly pointed at Lisa's face. “I bet you a twenty you can't solve this mystery in five minutes!”
Lisa frowned, then grinned. “Oh it's on motherfucker. It's on.”
****
Lisa paced the floor surrounding the bar, rubbing her chin. The locals studied her curiously.
“Alright,” she said, finally. “Hands up, who's eaten either a pickled egg or pickled onion tonight?”
Three hands went up tentatively.
Lisa glanced over to Beryl at the bar, her tired eyes betrayed a reluctance to play along.
“Well?” Lisa asked.
“Well what?” said Beryl sheepishly, rubbing her shoulder with tobacco stained hands.
“Is that right? Only these three have been served picked delicacies?”
“Oh, yeah, that's right.” Beryl replied.
“Okay,” nodded Lisa. “That narrows things down. The only way Tony's beer could have been killed that fast was by the touch of vinegar. Our culprit must have eaten a pickled something before taking a cheeky swig of the beer. Therefore, only one of these three could have been the culprit.”
First of the three suspects was Barry, a regular for years who could be a little clingy and irritating after too many pints. Next, there was Joshua, a young friend of Beryl's son who was home from working on the rigs. Finally, there was Linda, the local quiz team leader who had a bit of an abrasive personality at times.
“Well it weren’t me becus'...” Barry started.
“Not yet.” Lisa held out a hand.
Barry stopped.
Andy folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. He had a grin on his face as he watched with some amusement.
“Okay,” Lisa carried on. “We also know that nobody tried to conceal the fact that they had eaten a pickled delicacy, which suggests that our culprit is confident enough that we won't discover their little altercation. That suggests a careful hand.”
“At taking a swig of someone’s pint?” scoffed Linda.
“That's precisely the attitude they're hoping we'll take,” Lisa said, walking over to Linda and leaning over by her table. “Precisely the attitude they'd like to foster. Care to confess anything to us Linda? We know how you have a taste for beer, with your Ale Society membership or whatever it is.”
“Don't be absurd,” Linda spat.
“We'll see,” Lisa said, backing away. “We'll see.”
Andy shoved a few scampi fries in his mouth.
“Tony,” Lisa said, walking over to the bar. “Is there any one of these three whom you feel may hold a certain disdain for you these days? Anyone that might want to wage a silent protest?”
Tony pulled a face. “Well, I wouldn't put it past Barry playing silly beggars.”
“Ayy, that's not fair, I wouldn’t...” Barry objected.
“Not. Yet!” Lisa commanded. She turned back to Tony. “Carry on.”
“Well it's just that Linda has too much self respect to do something like that, and I can't see young lad doing it, he's got plenty of money in his line of work.” Tony shrugged.
“Oh indeed,” Lisa walked over, eye-balling Joshua. “No reason you'd take a swig at all. Right J?”
“No,” Joshua said pleasantly. “It wasn't me.”
Lisa quickly turned to Beryl. “Beryl! Is it true or not that both your son and our friend here got in trouble five years ago for swiping peoples drinks?”
Beryl looked shocked. “How did you know?”
“You come across a lot of interesting stuff in my line of work,” Lisa said, grinning. “You started off fishing for unfinished pints, isn't that right Joshua? Until you started looking for more excitement?”
Joshua suddenly looked worried. “Yeah but that was a long time ago. I was at uni, I was short on cash. I can pay for my own drinks now.”
“Yes you can,” Lisa nodded. “But maybe from time to time you miss the old excitement? Maybe you wanted one final score?”
Barry stood up. “Aye, I can understand that, back when...”
“Not yet Barry!” Lisa shot. “We'll be getting to you in a moment.”
Barry sat down, deflated.
Linda piped up again. “Hang on a moment. Tony's always going for his tea at the chippy across the road. How do we know it wasn't the vinegar from that that killed his pint?”
Lisa held up her hand, index finger extended. “A valid question. It is however impossible. Listen.”
Everyone around the bar went silent. They were unsure what they were supposed to be listening to. The only sound was the music on the jukebox.
“That's Purple Rain by Price,” said Lisa. “Tony always puts three songs on the jukebox, and Purple Rain is always last. If we factor in that he went to the jukebox before ordering his drink and going to the toilet afterwards then the window between Born to Run and Lawyers, Guns and Money is too small for him to take a sip from the pint.”
The group nodded, impressed.
“Also, I went to the toilet while Beryl was pulling me the pint,” Tony added.
“That too,” Lisa noted.
Andy took a few big gulps out of his pint to cool his mouth after the first few bites of the pepperoni.
His eyes were still fixed on Lisa.
“Well personally I don't think we'll ever solve this mystery,” said Joshua nervously.
“On the contrary,” Lisa barked. “I think I'm starting to see things come together now.”
Lisa walked over to Linda, a cocky grin on her face. “I think we can count out Linda as a suspect. If she wanted to do something to piss Tony off she wouldn't do it in secret. She'd either say it to his face or bitch about him on the forums.”
Linda folded her arms. “How very dare you,” she said, not showing the slightest bit of relief about being exonerated.
Lisa walked over to Joshua, putting her hands around his shoulders condescendingly. “Likewise, I wouldn't put it past young J here, but he's not nearly had enough to drink to get him to start that kind of carry on.”
“Young?” he said, insulted. “You were only a few years above me in school.”
Lisa walked over to the far side of the bar. “That leaves only one possible culprit.”
Barry stood, sweating. “Now that's not fair, I haven't even had a chance to...”
But before Barry could continue Lisa began talking over him. “Isn't that right, Beryl?”
Suddenly everyone looked to the bar. Beryl stood there, looking surprised. “Me?”
Lisa marched over to her. “It's no secret that you've been sick of Tony for a long time, complaining about him having the same conversation every night and never changing up the music on the jukebox.”
Andy raised his eyebrows.
Beryl stood there blushing.
Lisa continued. “Who else would have been able to take a sip of that beer without anyone noticing? It was your own little silent protest. If it wasn't for your taste in pickled eggs, the head would have still been there and Tony probably wouldn't even have noticed.”
“What's wrong with my taste in music?” said Tony, dejected.
“Okay, fine, I'll pull you a new one,” Beryl said to him, reaching over for a new glass.
Lisa pumped her fist. “Haha, Yes!” She strutted over to Andy with a shit-eating grin.
Andy shook his head.
“Come on, pay up sucker.” she said, holding out her hand.
Suddenly Barry sat back down. “But I never got to do my bit!”
“Shut the fuck up Barry,” said Beryl in frustration.
Andy opened his wallet and handed over a twenty pound note. “There's just one thing I don't understand?”
“Yeah?”
“If I'm Rene Mathis, is that supposed to make you James Bond?”
Lisa shrugged. “Clearly Andy.”
He got to his feet. “You have such a high opinion of yourself, you know that?”
“Hey you know what they say, fake it till you make it.”
Andy shook his head one more time. “It's your round then, I suppose, I'm going for a piss.”
“Sure thing,” Lisa said strutting over to the bar. Quickly, she turned to Beryl and lowered her voice. “Thanks for that Beryl.”
Beryl shrugged. “Your advice got my daughter a reduced sentence, It's the least I could do.”
“Well I'm as sucker for a pretty face,” Lisa said, smiling. “No pun intended.”
Beryl raised an eyebrow. “I'm going to forget you just said that. What can I get you?”
“Uh, A rum and lemonade and a pint for us. Three more pints for J, Tony and Linda. A babysham and whiskey for Barry.”
“I'll have to be quick before Felix Leiter gets back.” Beryl said.
Lisa looked confused.
“Sorry I thought you were both doing the nickname thing.” Beryl answered.
“Yeah but Felix Leiter was white.” Barry said.
“Shut the fuck up Barry,” Lisa and Beryl said in unison.
Tony started sniggering.
“Besides,” said Lisa, “Andy clearly looks more like Anthony Mackie.”
“Who's that?” asked Beryl.
“He's the guy that played Falcon in the new Avengers films,” said Andy suddenly from behind Lisa.
“But I always remember him from We Are Marshall.”
“Jesus,” Lisa said, startled. “Don't sneak up on me like that you fuck.”
Andy started laughing. “Who are all these drinks for?”
“Nobody,” she said dismissively. “Look, here's yours. Let's go sit back down.”
Andy nodded, shaking off his suspicions. The two of them clinked glasses. “Cheers I suppose. At least that was more interesting than doing fifteen Jaeger bombs with Kent and the lads.”
The two of them sat back down at their table. “I aim to please,” Lisa said, smiling.
Andy couldn't help smiling too. “Okay, so where were we?”
Lisa took a sip through her straw. “I was about to say how Jar Jar was a Sith lord all along.”
“Okay, now you really can fuck off,” Andy said, spitting out his pint again. “And you can give me that fucking twenty back an' all.”
Jack Harvey 2015
Sunday, 6 December 2015
And a Lemonade for the Boy
Just a quick update on what's going to
be happening over the coming months.
- I'm getting a story published by LessThan Three Press. It's been in the works for a while and I'll be going into more detail soon. It's my first paying gig, so I appreciate all the support from those interested.
- Obscure Comic of the Month is going to
be taking a break for December and January to make room for
Fallout 4the coming year's affairs. This blog won't be devoid of content however, as... - You'll be seeing a new Lisa Cummings shot story. I've been meaning to follow up The Case of the Exploding Meat, and It's been great to work with the character again. Lisa Cummings and the Five Minute Murder should be landing shortly before Christmas.
- I've been thinking about starting a webcomic. It's still in the prototype stages at the moment, but I think a weekly, three panel strip should be an achievable target. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things art wise, and should have some conclusive goals by January.
- It's likely I'll be doing a Stand Up Comedy for charity some time in April. I'll post details closer to the time.
- I'm back on Twitter, I won't be posting there much, but feel like It would be useful to engage with other creatives. Follow if you're interested.
And that's all for now, hopefully all
this stuff will pan out and we'll see a productive year ahead. Thanks
for bearing with me.
Sunday, 22 November 2015
Obscure Comic of the Month - Professor Elemental Issue One
Obscure Comic of the Month
is a monthly feature which takes a detailed look at a little known
entry from my personal comic book collection. Some will be from major
publishers, others self published projects, Original Graphic Novels,
issues and Manga. What they'll all have in common though, is that
I've rarely, if ever, seen anybody talk about them.
Professor Elemental Issue
One by Paul Alborough and various – 2013
Spoiler Free
Issue 1 features 24 full
colour pages featuring two original tales by some of the finest
artists in the Independent comic scene, as well as an adaption of
‘The Quest For The Golden Frog’. It also boasts a cover by Mike
'Deadpool’ Hawthorne.
Adapting music to Comics is
never easy, but it's clear that the Chap-hop sub-genre is fertile
ground for it. An artist is never at a loss to draw something
interesting thanks to the zany, steampunk inspired aesthetics, and
the source material of tall tales and fantastic voyages.
What of Professor Elemental
then? We're not here to talk about his contributions to the world of
Chap-hop, though I will say I've long been a fan, on and off. I
picked up Issue One and Two of the comic at a con a few years back.
We'll only be taking a look at the first of the two today, and
examining how it works as a companion piece to the Professor's
musical canon as well as an introduction to the series as a whole.
The comics themselves are an
anthology series of various tales involving the fictional Professor's
exploits. Issue one has three stories, and almost immediately draws
you in with the vivid, colours of Noah Rodenbeek which has a
psychedelic quality to it. The musical undercurrents are clear here,
with what feels like something out of The Beatles Yellow Submarine.
It's not long before we're
onto our next tale, however. The change in art teams keeps things
fresh, and gives us a different take on the character each time.
Professor Elemental is a charming character in these tales, with his
long suffering monkey butler Geoffrey appearing for the very first
time (He's only ever off screen in the music videos.)
The bumbling idiot who only
succeeds by chance however, is far from an original premise. Whether
the comic has anything to offer really depends on if it can do
anything new with the archetype. It's greatest asset is it's
connection to the chap hop scene. Though the first two stories tap
into the feel of Elemental's output, Elemental's status as a musician
seems to be absent in these stories, and there's nary a musical theme
touched upon.
For the third tale we see an
adaptation of one of Elemental's actual songs, The Quest for the
Golden Frog. It's a great idea and material ripe for the picking, but
it's easily the weakest of the three stories in the issue. The Golden
Frog strip lacks a zing that it really needs to channel the energy of
the music.
Issue one is enjoyable
enough, it's first story, on how Elemental and Geoffrey first met, is
easily the best, both in terms of visuals and writing, but it doesn't
really feel as though there's enough on offer here. The comic itself
doesn't really dig enough into the music to offer anything to fans,
and the strips themselves are not distinctive enough to appeal to the
uninitiated.
Fortunately these are all
problems that are resoundingly conquered in Issue Two, but that's a
review for another day. All things considered, the anthology series
gets off to a bumpy start, but in many respects that's in keeping
with the Professor Elemental character itself.
Jack
Harvey 2015. Professor Elemental (c) Paul Alborough with work by
Michael Hawthorne, James Feist, Liam Byrne, Owan Watts, Noah
Rodenbeek and Christopher Mole. Images used under Fair Use.
Saturday, 24 October 2015
Obscure Comic of the Month - ES Eternal Sabbath
Obscure Comic of the Month
is a monthly feature which takes a detailed look at a little known
entry from my personal comic book collection. Some will be from major
publishers, others self published projects, Original Graphic Novels,
issues and Manga. What they'll all have in common though, is that
I've rarely, if ever, seen anybody talk about them.
ES Eternal Sabbath Volume 1
by Fuyumi Soryo – Del Rey/Kodansha 2002
Contain Minor Spoilers
Ryousuke Akiba calls
himself ES, a code name taken from a mysterious scientific
experiment. Ryousuke will live to be at least two centuries old and
possesses strange mental powers: He can enter peoples minds, discover
their darkest secrets, even rearrange their memories so that complete
strangers will treat him like family. Ryousuke acts not out of malice
but for survival – wandering Tokyo for reasons known only to him.
No one recognises him for what he is … until Dr. Mine Kujyou, a
determined researcher, meets someone who challenges everything she
knows about science – ES, possessor of the Eternal Sabbath gene.
But is he the only one?
ES was my first real foray
into manga. Up until that point I'd dismissed it as both childish,
and needlessly sexualized and over the top. This of course, was a
gross generalisation and I knew if I wanted to get the most out of
the world of comics I'd have to start reading manga too. I'd read
Ghost in the Shell first, having watched and enjoyed the movie, but
the manga was a strange beast, made of big ideas with comedic
interludes. So ES was an attempt to get into manga at a more baseline
level.
ES was a great choice, and a
lucky one too, since I pretty much picked it up at random. ES was a
good taster for getting into manga. There were no over the top
characters, no lengthy action sequences, no ridiculous haircuts. If
there was anything I needed to show me that manga could be more than
it was stereotyped as, then ES was just the ticket.
The premise itself isn't
completely original, but it's focus on just one particular science
fiction premise makes it more unique than most. Ryousuke
Akiba has the ability to erase and rewrite people's memories and so
walks unchallenged and unnoticed by mankind. We're first introduced
to him during a short story that would work just as well as a
standalone tale.
We see
Ryousuke acting as a sort of vigilante as he uses his abilities to
punish a murderous high schooler. It's a great introductory sequence,
explaining to us the logic and limitations of Ryousuke's powers as
well as showing us the kind of mischievous rogue that he is. It also
introduces us to some of the series common elements, such as the
surrealist visuals used during the mind reading sequences. They're
hit and miss at times, with the choice of visuals seemingly being
surreal for surrealism’s sake, but they're always interesting.
Still,
it's a great intro, and feel in parts very reminiscent of Neil
Gaiman's Sandman. A sort of Sandman light if you will.
It's
after this introductory tale that we start the story proper, where
we're introduced to Dr Mine Kujyou, our point of view character. Mine
is a neurological researcher who take a scientific perspective when
looking at Ryousuke's powers. Mine is instantly likeable, curious and
intelligent, but also goofy and a bit of a loser. She's quick to
ramble about the science behind the mind, especially at inappropriate
times, and the story becomes genuinely charming and funny because of
her.
The plot
wastes no time getting started, and Fuyumi Soryo feeds us with enough
actual knowledge for the science parts to ring true. Ryousuke is
enough of a magnificent bastard at times that it's a pleasure to see
him just do his thing, and his past is mysterious enough to keep us
interested without feeling asinine over hiding away too much back
story.
The
volume ends on a cliffhanger of sorts, with the reveal of how
Ryousuke came to be, and the danger posed by another who has similar
powers. It's one hell of a set up, and really feeds the reader enough
knowledge to stop them feeling as though they're being strung along.
It's such a great set up in fact, that I’m genuinely temped to
re-read the rest of the series in earnest.
A few
notes on the artwork then. Fuyumi Soryo is a great fit for the story,
and every character has a charisma to them that makes you want to
keep reading. The artwork is generally realistic with just a touch of
manga sensibilities to make it feel expressive. It's probably also
worth noting that there's a mild degree of female gaze going on with
Ryousuke, he's traditionally good looking from a woman's perspective
and his choice of clothes appear to be designed to accentuate this
appeal.
That's
not a bad thing by the way, if anything I found it rather refreshing.
It's also worth pointing out that the chapter breaks have some very
sexy artwork for what is otherwise a straight faced mystery series,
setting early the subtext that would appear in later volumes.
Given
that it was one of the first mangas I read, I was expecting ES to
have aged badly after years of stuff like 20th
Century Boys and The Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service. But I'm
pleased to say it reads as fresh as it ever did. It's a shame the
series, and Fuyumi Soryo herself, doesn’t appear to have a bigger
following.
Highly
recommended if you're looking for a serious, hard science fiction
series with a little bit of mystery and romance.
Jack
Harvey 2015. ES (c) 2002 Fuyumi Soryo and published by Del
Rey/Kodansha. Images used under Fair Use.
Monday, 5 October 2015
Correction One of...
When you start writing about stuff on a
regular basis you're bound to make mistakes, miss important
information or just not have access to certain facts. So here is the
first of what hopefully won't be too many corrections.
In my piece on Maxwell Strangewell, I
noted that I hadn't seen The Fillbach Brothers produce anything since
2009. Well, the Brothers themselves got in touch to let me know that
they've actually been working on several books under First Comics
(Who coincidently also released Necessary Monsters, a book I'll be
taking a look at in a future column.). I also said that Strangewell
was a good foundation to build on, so Cadaver Dogs of Winter and
Lives look like particular stand outs.
Thanks for that guys, I'll be sure to
check those out, and I encourage my readers to do so too.
In other news, that important thing I
mentioned won't be much longer I swear.
Monday, 14 September 2015
Obscure Comic of the Month Special Edition - Dynamite's Pathfinder
This column has been taking
a look at obscure comics for five months. For every every sixth
month, instead of taking a look at a comic that nobody talks
about, this special edition will take a look at a comic I feel not
enough people talk about.
Pathfinder by Jim Zub and
various artists – Dynamite 2013 to present
Contains Mild Spoilers
I love the fantasy genre. I
love made up languages and made up lands. I love ancient prophecies
and mystical powers. I love elves and dwarfs and orcs and dragons. I
love deconstructions, reconstructions, but most of all I just love
straight po-faced don't-give-a-shit high fantasy. I loved it after my
mum guilt tripped me into reading The Hobbit as a kid and I loved it
playing the Baldur's Gate series through my teens.
I also love comics, but one
thing that had never really crossed over to my love of comics is my
love of the high fantasy genre. Fantasy, when it comes to comics, has
always come from a different heritage than that of the sweeping sagas
of Tolkein and Lewis. This heritage instead is that of Burroughs and
Howard, gritty, bloody tales of in your face violence and unbridled
testosterone.
For comics, the faces of the
fantasy genre were that of Conan and Slaine and Valiant. Occasionally
there were offbeat, quirkier entries like the Pini's Elfquest and the
scene was no stranger to the occasional Forgotten Realms comic,
though these were few and far between, and rarely considered
classics.
Novels were home to the high
fantasy setting. They were scene setters, world builders. Comics
didn't have time for all that. That was a medium of action, and
rarely could the marriage work. I tried reading a comic book
adaptation of one of Salvatore's Drizzt books, it bored me to tears.
I thought I'd never find a high fantasy comic that I could really
enjoy.
It remains to be seen if
things have changed, but here's hoping we're on the cusp of a golden
age. Roger's Dungeons and Dragons series (now sadly on hiatus) really
set the bar, and has been joined by Legends of the Sword Cost, Demon
Knights and the wonderful Rat Queens, as well as Rucka's upcoming
Dragon Age: Magekiller. Of all the series that have hit the stands
however, it is Dynamite's Pathfinder that I love most of all.
Pathfinder isn't the best of
the bunch, D&D takes that spot, and it's not the smartest either
(hello Rat Queens!) but it's got a hell of a lot of heart, and a hell
of a lot of charm. Jim Zub is better known for series like
Skullkickers and Wayward, but he's still firing on all cylinders
here. He manages to introduce us to an intricate fantasy world
without losing momentum, and how he does that, quite simply, is by
trusting his audience.
Art By Sean Izaakse
Jim Zub knows that he
doesn't need to waste time introducing us to this wild and wonderful
world. If you're a Pathfinder player, then you already know the
setting, and if you're a new reader then you can pick it up as you go
along. If you've seen Lord of the Rings, played Warcraft or took even
a cursory glance at a Magic: The Gathering card, you know the
difference between an orc and a goblin. You're going to be okay.
What's smart is that Zub
uses this audience familiarity in order to cut to the chase. There
are six heroes that our story follows, stock archetypes all, but we
don't need complex motivations and back-stories for each. Warrior
Valeros is there to smash things and quote one liners, dwarf Harsk is
there to complain and mage Seoni is there to shake her head while
giving aside glances. While these characters are far from two
dimensional, they're not the real focus of the plot, and are more
there to serve as catalysts for the other three more interesting
characters.
Valeros is here, he gets
some cool moments, but Zub knows audiences would tire of the same old
warrior protagonist fast. Instead we get more detail into the lives
of flighty rogue Merisiel and her constantly fluctuating loyalties,
while Cleric Kyra serves as an audience surrogate of sorts as she
struggles to understand the customs of her companions.
By far the most interesting
character though, is Ezren. At first glance he appears to be the age
old sagely wizard, but instead the rug is pulled from under us. Ezren
is in fact the least
experienced member of the group. His tale is that of a man only
becoming and adventurer in later life, and trying to prove that he's
more than a pathetic old dreamer. His story is equal parts inspiring
and heartbreaking, and an excellent fit for the cast.
The plot flies along quickly
and comfortably. Each arc lasts about five to six issues and there
aren’t many dangling plot threads or mysteries left over at the end
of each. Pathfinder finds inspiration in the tabletop game that it's
based on. As players, we don't play these games because we want to
defeat the villain or stop the prophecy, we play because we like
spending time with our friends.
Art By Jack Bilbao
There's the real appeal of
the book. The plot is merely there to facilitate spending time with
these characters. It's not a massively complex multi-layered plot,
and that's because it doesn't have to be. We're hear to see Ezren and
co roll with the punches and support each other more than we are to
see them stab a cyclops in the eye.
The rotating artists do
wonders with the script too. We know how sleazy Valeros is from the
moment we see him. Ezren's internal doubts are betrayed in each and
every worried look he gives. The lead up to Meri and Kyra's
relationship is communicated through subtle expressions and the body
language they have around each other.
Like I said, the book trusts
it's audience, It doesn't need to signpost every piece of world
building and character development and that gives it room for some
real drama and to occasionally pepper us with titbits about the
setting.
I'm not going to talk about
Pathfinder's reputation as an LGTB friendly IP, though believe me, I
could talk for hours about it if I wanted to. What I will say though
is that the tradition continues in this series, and dealt with rather
well I feel. Kyra and Meri's relationship unfolds naturally and is
depicted sweetly with minimum fanservice.
Art By Leandro Oliveira
Speaking of fanservice
though, if Dynamite's Pathfinder has one downside, it's the design
decisions. See, I was surprised to find that the Pathfinder RPG only
launched in 2007, since the character designs feels more reminiscent
of 1997. A lot of the characters look as though they've stumbled
through a Devonshire antique shop. While they're hardly terrible, the
character designs lack a clarity and cohesion that a fantasy setting
really needs to reinforce it's identity.
By far though, the worst
offender is Seoni. Dressed in what little fabric she has, Seoni looks
as though she's one gust of wind away from a wardrobe malfunction. Of
course, the problem isn't with Seoni's design as much as how it
contrasts with her personality.
See, when you dress a
character in revealing clothes, it communicates to the audience that
there is a sexual element to the character. In X-Men, Emma Frost is a
character very much in control of her sexuality and how she uses it,
so it makes sense that she dresses that way. In Dragon Age, Isabela
is always ready to jump in bed with someone at the drop of a hat, so
it makes sense that she'd not wear any pants.
But Seoni? She's the
straight faced one. She's the team mom. She's the de-facto leader and
the voice of reason. There's nothing sultry or seductive or sensual
about Seoni's personality. The only reason she is dressed that way is
because that's how the original RPG character sheet depicted her, and
the only reason for that was fanservice. The contradiction is
palpable, and the story suffers for it. Valeros and Harsk look and
act consistently, but Seoni is a paradox that the story struggles to
find a place for.
It's a minor kink though (no
pun intended) and one I hope subsequent volumes will iron out. As of
writing the series has hit three volumes (not counting the prequels
and spin offs), meaning it looks to last longer than the IDW D&D
series did. This is great, I've enjoyed what Zub and the team have
done so far, and I look forward to seeing where they take it in the
future.
All things considered,
Dynamite's Pathfinder is everything I could have wanted from a high
fantasy series. All the tropes and cliché’s from Tolkein to
Brooks, a diverse and quirky cast on par with the best of the
tabletop and computer RPG's, and colourful and stylish art that I can
drink up like I'm there.
If we are on the cusp of a
golden age, I can only hope it's a long one.
Art By Leandro Oliveira
Jack Harvey 2015. Pathfinder (c) 2007
Paizo Publishing, published by Dynamite Entertainment and written by
Jim Zub. Images used under free use.
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